Credit:
Ave verum corpus (Hail, true body) 1791, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
It's a Sin 1987, Pet Shop Boys
There are three places I have said ‘Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa’ out loud; Saint Teresa's Church, Church of St. Benedict and my primary & secondary school assembly hall.
I went to Confessions as a child, Fathers had always asked me to admit that I have sinned, and to admit it over and over again. And to repent, I would need to repeat: I am not a boy. I am not a boy.
I won’t be a boy.Wearing my perfectly-ironed school skirt, I had always recited ‘Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.’
Wearing my First Communion pure-white dress, I received Jesus’ body and blood as a sinner. Every time my naive right fist performed the 3-strike chest-beating during the Confiteor, my gender dysphoria echoes inside my body.
This video ends at the place where I finally realised I am trans. I was 20. It didn’t come into words that I could explain how I felt until I moved to the States the next year, and it took me another 3 years to finally get on HRT. I have never said ‘Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa’ since I was 20, not because I truly stopped feeling that way, it is mostly because the chance of saying it never came. The closest thing to saying it is when I am listening to It’s a Sin by Pet Shop Boys.
It’s a— It’s a— It’s a— It’s a sin.
I imagine after my top surgery; it will be a time that my sinful right fist performs the 3-strike chest-beating, without, perhaps, feeling dysphoric.
And when the doctor cuts open my body, I will think of my First Communion.
Ave verum corpus. Hail! True body!"
配樂版權：
莫札特《Ave verum corpus（聖體頌）》（1791年）
Pet Shop Boys《It’s a Sin》（1987年）
我曾在三個地方高聲說過「我罪，我罪，我的重罪」；聖德肋撒堂、聖本篤堂及我中小學的禮堂。
小時候我去告解，神父常要求我承認自己的罪，並再三承認。而要悔改，我需要重覆說：我不是男生，我不是男生，我不會成為男生。
穿著筆直的校裙，我常重覆說：「我罪，我罪，我的重罪」身穿初領聖體禮的純白裙子，我以罪人的身分接受了耶穌的身體與血。每次懺悔詞時我天真的右拳三擊胸部，我的性別焦慮就在身體中迴盪。
錄像完結在我終於接受自己是跨性別者的時候，當時我二十歲。我沒法用言語解釋我的感受，直到翌年我搬到美國，再過了三年，我終於開始荷爾蒙替代療法。自從二十歲開始，我從未說過「我罪，我罪，我的重罪」，不是因為我再沒這樣的感覺，最大原因是再沒有這樣的機會。最接近說這句話的經驗，是當我聽Pet Shop Boys《It’s a Sin》的時候。
It’s a— It’s a— It’s a— It’s a sin.
我想像在上身手術之後，那將會是我以有罪的右拳搥胸三次，而或許，不會感到性別焦慮。
而當醫生切開我的身體時，我會想起我的第一次領聖體。
Ave verum corpus，頌讚！真的身體。
Narration by Chris Malcolm. Footages (not in order) from SNL, Luca, Mick West, Chris Lehto, AP Archives, Super 8, Close Encounter, Finding Nemo, Pentagon, Scott Mosser, Lego Indiana Jones, Adventures of Tintin, ET, Star Wars, Fallout 4, Marcel Broodthaers, Famous Five, Magic School Bus, Rene Daalder, Kinolibrary archive film collections, Werner Grundl's Right on Time, Gillette commercial, Old Master Cute Part III, Forbidden City Cop, Hong Kong Today.
Boats— yes, boats. Oceans. Migrations. The box, the container, the boat, needs a sailor to go somewhere; the sailor needs the boat to go somewhere. Who is able to see them? The witness as their interpretation. You can’t hear the boat or the sailor. Banishment; solus; traceless.
I realised most photographs of me are little me(s) with camera(s). There is also a good amount of me looking angry, full of rage, or just frustrated because I didn’t want to be photographed. I knew what I look like in a photograph—I hate it. I remember loving cameras before the age of 11, and also from 16 to 18. I remember loving them because it allows me to have (fake or not) reasons to stop, to stalk, to creep, to hunt, to capture something unknown, and not let someone else capture my own unrecognisable face and body.
I have never taken any authentic UFO photographs, and I never got the chance to take one when I saw UFOs. But the best part is— I saw it, but it didn’t see me though.
旁白 Chris Malcolm，片段來自SNL、Luca、Mick West、Chris Lehto、AP Archives、Super 8、 《第三類接觸》、《海底奇兵》、《Pentagon》、Scott Mosser、《樂高奪寶奇兵》、, 《丁丁歷險記》、 《E.T.外星人》、《星球大戰》、《異塵餘生4》、Marcel Broodthaers、《Famous Five》、《魔法校車》、Rene Daalder、Kinolibrary archive film collections、《Werner Grundl's Right on Time》、吉列廣告、《山T 老夫子》、《大內密探零零發》、《今日睇真D》（排名不分先後）
船——對，船。海洋。遷移。箱子、容器、船，去某個地方需要一個水手，水手需要船去某個地方。誰能看到他們？證人作為他們的詮釋。你無法聽到船或水手的聲音。流放；獨個；無痕。
我發現我多數的相片，都是小小的我帶著相機。當中很多個我看起來很生氣，充滿憤怒，又或沮喪，因為我不想被拍。我知道我在相片中的樣子，而我討厭它。我記得我在十一歲前喜歡相機，在十六到十八歲之間亦然。我記得我喜愛它們，因為它讓我有（不論真假的）理由去停下來、跟蹤、爬行、狩獵、捕捉未知的東西，並且不讓其他人捕捉我無從辨認的面目和身體。
我從未拍過任何真實的不明飛行物照片，而當我見到不明飛行物體時，我也沒有機會拍照。然而最好的是——我見到它，但它沒見到我。
olivier is a queer research-based artist+writer temporarily based in Chicago.
Focusing their practice in ephemerality in archival theory, queer theory and drawings, they have lectured, performed, published, curated and exhibited in artist-run spaces, libraries, galleries and institutions in London, Hong Kong, New England, New York City, and Chicago. They are the founder of an institutional critique project, The Museum (2016-2022), and a speculative UFO archive project, The UFO Lobby (2021-).
As the recipient of the Graduate Fellow Award and the New Artist Society Scholarship, they were also the first artist in residence at the Joanne Waxman Library with their site-specific piece UFO Citing: A tribute to Lynn E. Catoe in the stacks.
olivier holds an MA in Visual and Critical Studies from the School of the Art Institute of Chicago, a BFA from Maine College of Art, and attended Academy of Visual Arts (HKBU). For the past ten years, their time-machine has been stuck in this dimension. So it goes.
olivier是一位酷兒研究式藝術及作家，暫居於芝加哥。
他短暫專注於檔案理論、酷兒理論和繪畫創作，並曾在倫敦、香港、新英格蘭、紐約和芝加哥的藝術家空間、圖書館、畫廊及機構演講、表演、出版、策展及展覽。他亦是機制批判計劃「The Museum」（2016–2022年）及推測不明飛行物體檔案計劃「The UFO Lobby」（2021年至今）的創始人。
他曾獲研究生院士獎和新藝術家協會獎學金，亦是Joanne Waxman圖書館首位駐留藝術家，並在此創作場域特定作品「UFO Citing: A tribute to Lynn E. Catoe」。
olivier擁有芝加哥藝術學院視覺與批判研究碩士學位，緬因州藝術學院文學士，並曾就讀於香港浸會大學視覺藝術院。過去十年，他的時光機都困在這個時空。就是這樣。
